https://www.facebook.com/140478372801117/videos/366358066879812/
In my opinion, the good thing about writing a book or any kind of text based on your own experience is that you can somehow get to terms with the past, put the past events together, give them order, in some way highlight the most important moments to you, pay a kind of tribute to people, places, events, close some chapter, grasp it all as if it was a stone. What is left, is the book, the text. I have spend 7 years working as a film editor, sort of a master in telling stories with images, have edited many films made by others, more or less ambitious, have made my own films, all of them mainly fiction. Filmmaking is somehow the domaine of illusion, fiction, a film can be probable but hardly ever true, no matter whether it is fiction or doc movie, what is true are only the feelings, emotions you, the viewers, are left with after the lights turn on. I became disillusioned with filmmaking, because I often felt different about the message from what the directors and producers I worked with thought. I really disliked inspiring negative or low feelings in viewers with what I have been working on, but I did not really have much influence on it. I was just a postproduction worker. I was just putting together someone's story. I discovered that I do also have a point of view, something to tell and that it is different from what I am expected to tell. I simply discovered that I do not want to tell the stories of others, I want to tell my own story. No matter how, with what medium, it can be anything, but I have to tell what I find important, beautiful, painful in my own way. I made a few fiction films of my own in my life and what I have discovered was that it was always a way of escaping from taking real decisions, concerning my real life precisely by expressing myself through fiction, fictionising myself, hiding behind the images, very oblique images, metaphors, instead of "stating myself" by simply doing things, taking actions, changing life to cope with different kind of problems, doubts, feelings. Fiction killed all my real aspirations. I still cannot help it, I have just changed the medium, I paint, and I still feel it does not solve my disappointment with life. I still keep on asking myself the same questions here and now: Who am I? Where do I go? What do I want? Maybe that is why I feel best, when I get away in my car (the only thing that does really belong to me, though I do not really know whether I can fully admit I am the owner as the name suggests it in the documents, I admit it if I have to, to have peace, to be left alone) in some possibly most remote, alienated, wildest place somewhere in my little country of Poland, which I do not really know more than from what I learn on the spot in those short times, meeting people, strangers to me, whom I participate in their lifes for a moment enough long not to get too much engaged and still feel free to get away at any moment. I hardly ever manage to leave the place in peace, I get so easily engaged with people, involved in their lifes, touched by the landscape. It is always as if ripping oneself of like a plant almost rooted in the new ground just because I feel this kind of wicked responsibility for the life I left behind. What for? Why? Finally, do I really get away? From whom? Others or myself? Do I find myself "there"? Does it solve the problem? Put end to never-ending questions? Who am I? Where do I go? What do I want? When I saw the film based on Davidson's "Tracks" something has broken in me for the first time since long, I felt touched to the depths of my soul, because I felt so connected with the feelings experienced by the film protagonist. They actually reflected all that happens to me at this moment of my life. I wanna be alone, but still I long for the other. Confused. What Robyn Davidson actually achieved is telling a universal story about looking for oneself. Though it tells a story of a young disillusioned woman taking a journey through Australia in the 70-ies, it could be any body of any age facing the same disillusionment in any other place in the world in any time who decides to take up a journey in search for oneself. I am still at the brink of setting off in my own journey, but when it gonna really happen I do not know. I wish I can say one day that I have made it the way I wanted and found what is important for my in life and that I will share it with you, hopefully in a form of a book that will touch and inspire you in the same way that "Tracks" touched and inspired me. By now I have just seen the film, but I know I have to read the book. I considered buying it in the original language version, but I am so disinclined towards the ideas of materialism and possession of any kind, I have got already so many things that bond me, I see how other people are bond by things, that I decided to look after and borrow it from a local library. And there it is in the small local library in Otrębusy in Poland waiting for me. Maybe if I am lucky I will find myself on the Australian ground soon and if I am even more luckier I will meet Robyn Davidson in person to have an original English version signed by her for me. Keep thumbs!