What is love then? if it can only be sort of instant crush?! Instant crush is just one shade of love I believe. You cannot force anybody to love you instantly. Sometimes it simply takes time to melt into one. If someone does not let love grow, they simply kill it. Or am I wrong? Maybe I kill it in as much as the other side. Maybe it just could not work that way. At least this time I managed to end it short and not deceive the other person. However, I suffer and I know the other person also suffers, but it was the best thing I could do. I suffer because I was not given time to fall in love, the other person suffers because his love could not find satisfaction. I just could not meet the expectations. I was asked to give more than I have. It would be again like cutting one's own hand only to satisfy the other. A hole too big not to destroy the tam and the consequences could be disastrous. I just felt I am not ready to cope with the flood. That's all. The water I cannot imagine to live without. Still keeping coming back to the wild lakes to purify oneself. What an absurd! If I took the challenge, it would be a pure physical exchange that would cut my wings, limit me to earthly categories, I would have to run away. I could not stand the inequality of experience. It would as if someone stole the chance to experience something deep and unique from me. Guess that is the basic problem between the way man and women treat sex. If you love, time and place should not matter. If one insists on the other to have sex as if it was a kind of trial, can we talk about love at all? I do understand that for men it is a way of showing love, but I do also know that sometimes sex can also cross out love from a relationship if one person does not feel like getting so close at the beginning. This person will always feel kind of raped and this feeling will radiate on the future of the relationship. That is why I did not want it that way. I knew I would always feel as if I was devoid of choice, as if I have let something happen too early, not the way I really wanted it. Especially that recently it came to the conclusion that I need more time than others to build trust, attraction and self-confidence in a relationship. I am no kind of cheater and it hurts me a lot that I was again accused of deceiving the other person. I was accused of not being honest despite my explanations. My feelings were true, but were not let to grow according to their nature. Instead I felt pressed and threatened. I want to experience love in as much as the other, but I need more time to fell in love and I think that it is my right to demand time to let the feeling grow. Unfortunately I was forced to make a choice. I sad "No." At the time it was painful to say it. Now it is painful to know that my feelings were simply ignored. All I was saying was treated as an excuse. I still live my illusions and ideals. If I said "yes," I would fail to protect them. I would admit I have no illusions and ideals anymore, that it was all only a game and this is not true. It was no game at all. It was a mask to protect one's own weaknesses at best. All I wanted was to get well along, to become closer, to be myself. I was told the other does not have time, has to plan the rest of their life and I respected it. My love is like my pictures. It has to be worked out. But just as with the cards I made, I am not a copyist, not a realist, I can do it fast for the other, but it does not mean that it satisfies me. And if I say so, it is not by humbleness or low self-esteem, but because I know I could do it better to experience full satisfaction. The same rule applies to my everyday life. But if I try to explain it and the other still insists that it is a blague, just an excuse and my true intention is to use somebody, then either there is no love between us (but could be if there was time) or it is just a fatal attraction, where desire overgrows the feeling. I cannot say I regret saying "no," but I do resent the other side for not giving me the time to say "yes." That is why I hate all that craziness over "fast, more and cheap." Because insisting upon living up to this rule can lead to a waste of great potential. And I have such a potential. I can give a lot, but I do it slow and it demands big investments on both sides. But at the end it can surpass the expectations and turn into a true bargain for a patient partner. I guess this way, paradoxically, I have just learned how special I am. I lost something precious irreversibly. This marvelous and dreamy perspective of future so vividly painted in front of my eyes. But I have also won something priceless. Self-esteem. For that I am grateful to me would-be partner... He surely lost something priceless at his own request. Indeed, he listened to me, but he could not see. Words can seem deceptive, when you can not see the heart. It is all the question of trust and trust is the question of time. The word "no" was finally bore after a lifetime of painful self-denial. Was it right? I cannot say. Possibly a high price, but how much would you be ready to pay for your self-esteem? Exactement, ton départ a marqué la veille de mes joies du reste de ma vie... Je ai payé un prix élevé, inimaginable avenir avec toi, mais je ne regrette rien. Pas un seul moment avec toi. Bien que je sois si proche de perdre même ça.
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Hej! Mam na imię Victoria. Wycieczki Osobiste to mój dziennik podróży, spełnionych marzeń i ulotnego piękna. Podróżować można nawet w kropli wody. Dzisiaj jest tylko dzisiaj, więc nie trać czasu: "podróżyj" tak, jakby jutra miało nie być!
O mnie
Z wykształcenia tłumacz i montażysta filmowy. Z zawodu kameleon, a w praktyce przede wszystkim włóczykij z dziennikarskimi ciągotami. Niespokojny duch. Trudny charakter. Towarzyski samotnik. Poliglota, gaduła i gawędziarz. Niestrudzony ogrodnik. Z zamiłowania piszę, fotografuję i maluję. Uwielbiam podróże, aktywność na świeżym powietrzu i kontakt z naturą. Szukam szczęśliwych wysp. Wierzę, że jest przede mną jeszcze wiele do odkrycia! Oto moja bajka o życiu! WĄTKI
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ARCHIWUM
July 2023
Victoria TucholkaYou can change the skies but you cannot change your soul |
VICTORIA TUCHOLKA |
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