I have been waking up around 4 A.M. three times in a raw only to eventually give up this beautiful moment. Maybe forever. Maybe I will never see it again. Maybe thousands of photos and videos circulating in the virtual ether would have to do, to make up for this difficult decision I had to make. There are such moments in life when you have to give up certain things. Live up to the ruthless rule that you cannot have everything you want. It was long ago I was made to realize it, so maybe it made it easier for me to cope with the obvious loss inscribed in my decision. Everything has its price, though money is not always the main currency.
I was already on the train to the airport when the first rays of my last sunrisein Australia have touched my face. It was a difficult sunrise. One of those sunrises when you would like to jump off the train and fall into pieces, give up everything you had and start a new life. If only you had enough courage. Though today I regret I did not do it, I also know and have to be honest with myself that it was just beyond my strenght back then. I hardly made this Australian trip to the end in one piece anyway. At the end I often felt like falling into pieces with noone around or even somewhere there who could help me out and put me back together. Noone I could lean on. I had to rely completely on myself. I could have broken into tears as well, so many reasons, but I kept calm like a Tibetan monk. When I Iook back, I am impressed at my own self that I was, that I am that strong. Then I have not been even thinking about it. I could not understand what people meant by telling me that they are surprised at me taking it all so easy. It was a question of survival.
When I look at that sunrise now, it seems like paradise lost to me. An experience I have not lived up to. This is the price you pay for wrong choices - eventually they always lead you nowhere. No matter how obvious the events around Govett's Leap should probably seem to me, I still look back with a sentiment.I still cultivate this innocent vison in my mind. A dream one needs to have to keep on going on. This view also confirms me in the belief that there are such situations in life where there just cannot be any place for compromise with people who put you down. You have only one life. Do not let others make you waste it! Though I feel utmostly sad when I look at that sunrise right now, it also reminds me that no matter what people say, no matter how bad it is, no matter how irrational my own choices may sometimes seem to me myself, it is my life and I should live it according to myself. Even if it means living it alone. I do not want to be a guest anymore anywhere. I want to be the host. You can be my guest if you wish.
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